When it comes to convicting a person of a crime, it is not about whether the person committed a crime, but if there is enough evidence to prove the person is guilty of that crime. This was a hard lesson I learned in December of 2016. I was driving home to Illinois from school in Indiana when I received the call that the rape case I reported in Illinois over that year’s Thanksgiving break was turned down.
I was angry. How dare they side with the man who forced me to satisfy his sexual feelings despite my pain? I had no cellphone, no wallet and no coat. It was 30 degrees outside that night. Where was I supposed to go? Did they not care that the man who did this choked me and repeatedly called me a bitch and slut? Did they even look at the rape kit? I thought consent had to be sober, mutual and yes? What happened was not sober or mutual or yes. I repeated no multiple times. I lied that I had a sexually transmitted disease. Between the police station and hospital, I spent roughly nine hours reporting this rape and was still recovering.
Maybe if another person was there to witness the sexual assault, my case would have been brought to court. Then again, consider the People v. Turner case in which Brock Turner, the former Stanford swimmer, raped an unconscious woman and was caught committing the crime by two strangers. His sentence: “Six months in county jail, of which he served three months because the jail was overcrowded,” according to a 2018 article published by CNN.
It seems like the justice system does not consider sexual assault to be serious crime, which may be why The National Institute of Justice says the majority of rape victims do not report their attacks to the police. Other reasons NIJ lists for not reporting are shame, embarrassment, fear of the perpetrator or other individual’s perceptions, fear of not being believed and wanting to keep it a private matter. I felt all these fears, and for years these fears kept my mouth shut when men sexually assaulted me. But my perception changed when I started school at Ball State University.
Why I Reported
The Ball State University police and the Lafollette Woody Shales hall staff educated me on the importance of a report a year before the assault in Illinois. My first semester in college, a man at a party took my hand and put it down his pants. I left and went back to my dorm. In the morning, my R.A., who I considered a friend, asked how my weekend went. I told her about the incident, and 10 minutes later the hall director was at my door; two cops quickly followed. I did not want to report what happened because it was nothing in comparison to what I had experienced from men in high school. Although it was not rape, I realized I was still violated.
“If you were my daughter, I would want you to report it,” one cop said to me. I agreed to tell them what happened. The cops told me people who commit these crimes often repeat them. It turned out the man was not a Ball State student, had sexually violated other people and is now banned from campus. I decided I would never let a sexual assault go without reporting it again.
Reporting the Assault
It was a lot easier said than done, though. After the chaotic night of my assault in Illinois, I opened the door to my parents’ home. My mother, stepdad and brother were moving around the kitchen in dress clothes. It smelled like coffee. They had just gotten back from church and were making a grocery list like we did every Sunday.
I ate some leftover homemade Chex mix from Thanksgiving, poured a cup of ice water and headed to my room. I still had my fur-vest on from the night, but the long-sleeve shirt I wore underneath was missing along with other clothing items. I sat on my bed crunching ice between my teeth. I did not know what to do. How am I going to tell my mother I took her belt without asking? Do I tell her what happened?
She came upstairs to change her clothes, and I went into her room to escape my thoughts. I told her she would not be getting her belt back because it kind of broke. I said I had a creepy guy on me last night, but that it was no big deal.
“I got out of the situation. He tried to take my clothes off, and the belt broke,” I said. “He had his hand around my neck, but I got out of the bedroom, and we left the party.”
I went back into my bedroom and began to think about how much work I needed to get done before driving back to school in the morning. My stepdad came upstairs. My 13-year-old brother must have listened to the conversation I had with my mother and told my stepdad. I told him the shortened story I told my mother.
“I think I should report it.” I said.
My stepdad asked me when I was planning on reporting it, which I responded “sometime today probably.” I went back to my bed to eat more ice. A couple minutes later, he yelled my name from downstairs.
“Do you want to go get some cheeseballs at the Pub II?”
I had a lot of homework. But, I never spent time with my family. I felt like I should put them first before going back to school. Pepper jack cheese balls from the pub were my favorite too, so I agreed to go.
When we were in the car, my stepdad turned a few blocks before the pub. When the car stopped, I was at the Normal Police Station. No cheeseballs.
“Are you going to do this?” my stepdad asked. I looked at my little brother in the back seat by me, then shook my head yes. My stepdad went with and found out the real story.
Reporting is Right
It was not easy to report my rape, but it was worth it. I was surprised to find in Illinois the doctor fees, medication including Plan B and pills to protect me from HIV, were all free. For the first time, I was set up with a psychologist to talk about my assaults with. Luckily, I had a person in my life to push me to report the assault. I hope other people can build the courage to report their assaults or be that rock for someone who has been assaulted.
Even though I was told I did not have enough evidence to convince each person in the jury that the person who raped me was guilty, I still know what happened that night. He still knows what happened that night too. His report will never disappear. Hopefully, he will never do what he did to me to another girl, but if he does, I hope she comes forward. Maybe she will be able to win her case with the help of my report.