Pain & Power

Two weeks ago, my Monday bench routine was interrupted by a 45 lb. bar dropping onto my big toe, luckily just a foot in the air. 

The shock was predictable. The second I saw my Nike slide under the shadow of the weight held by a friend, I knew I made a mistake. Before I could move my foot to a safer location, the bar fell. Slowly, I collapsed to my knees knowing there was no turning back from the stupidity that inclined me to move. Bouncing around is one of my personality traits so the accident was inevitable. 

For someone who curses and cries more than the average individual, I am surprised not one foul word escaped my mouth or even a tear formed in my eye. 

An intense shockwave soared from my toe to my upper thigh. My foot went numb, and the tingling sensation in the rest of my body made me feel highly in tune with my nervous system and its power.

It was like I snorted a drug. The rush hit me with the same anxiety I feel on a rollercoaster release. I liked the high. Yes, it hurt. But I have experienced extensively worse pain. With inflated confidence, I laughed saying the lack of feeling would return soon. I limped around as fast as possible flexing my ankle and reminding my foot not to freeze, work through the numbness, and quickly jump back into my workout. 

Over the years, I have learned pain, as much as physical, is mental. How one responds to an uncomfortable position will determine one’s relationship with the incident. As soon as one recognizes the feeling, it is essential to accept it and oddly convince yourself to like it. 

Telling myself to think the opposite of what I am feeling has become a common practice. One example stands out every winter despite being a big baby about cold weather. If I am scraping ice off my car and my nostrils are freezing, I have two options: 

1. Continue to tell my brain it is cold, resulting in a reinforced external factor and internal processing relationship.
2. Tell my brain it is hot, resulting in a confused external factor and internal processing relationship.

Option 1 makes the brain admit to the uncomfortable feeling and forces one to not only endure the cold but fixate on the feeling. Option 2 distracts the brain from the uncomfortable feeling with counter thoughts that it is enjoyable, and the ability to endure the cold becomes easier as counter messages are sent to your brain that it is hot even though it is not.

I forget how much control I have when it comes to my perception of reality. My three-pound organ placed in my head processes the environment and creates feelings. Without the control center of my body, I would not feel anything. But also, I have the ability to tell my brain how it should feel and respond.

What went from a typical day of me fighting myself to get through a workout faster than a turtle turned into an internal war with me confusing the complex distribution of chemicals in my head on the impact of the bar collision. 

As I fought to feel fine, I recognized how moments like this rarely, thankfully, occur for me to keep cool in physical pain. However, I am faced with similar emotional burdens daily which I often throw in the towel.

To my dismay, I am aware of my negative thinking. I am not alone as the majority of individuals appear programmed to view the glass half empty.

If I am rejected by an employer in an interview, I feel I will never make more money. If my total is low compared to other lifters in my weight class, I believe powerlifting will only be a hobby. If I burn through another relationship, I think the right person for me does not exist. 

Dropping the bar on my toe reminded me that when incidents go awry in other areas of my life, I need to battle those emotions the same way I pushed back the urge to dwell in the initial pain from the bar. Instead, I should embrace the feeling and let it empower me to act more. 

After all, a toe is a toe. It set me back a little and threw off my weight distribution, causing a couple more minor issues, but the body part will heal quickly. I am still breathing and high functioning. 

Similarly, jobs, hobbies, and relationships are challenging at times but many of the hurdles are like potholes, not black holes. Sometimes, wacky sh*t happens. But, at least when it does, you feel deeply alive – whether physically or mentally. Setbacks are opportunities to strengthen one’s mind, even when the incident makes zero sense.  

While I will not be bouncing back with superpowers after this little bruise, I am reminded it is OK to take a break. 

As someone who has a hard time slowing down, maybe being forced to pause training because of a big toe was beneficial. Maybe it means nothing. It did cause additional thinking resulting in this blog post 🙂